Going Through The Motions
by J.W.Melmoth
Summary: A Tumblr Prompt: one of the characters in the relationship comes out as asexual and the other is understanding and accepting.


"...and then maybe we could watch _Vincent _and have some nice French cheese with it, I mean I know he was Dutch so Gouda or Eedammer would probably be more appropriate but he did live in the south of France at the moment of his death and the film is about that part-"

Sebastian looked up from his phone and glanced at Kurt from under his eyelashes, feeling a surge of love for this amazing man, who matched his _snacks _to the theme of a film and arranged special evenings with the dedication of an event planner, even if the occasion wasn't even a _real _anniversary- or was six months an actual Hallmark? Sebastian wouldn't know- it's not like he'd ever reached it before.

"...and I have no real script for after that yet, but I thought maybe to make it _really _special, we could try a device blackout, like: no phones at all, no wikipedia-ing quirky facts, no Spotify, no quick-work-email, no 'look at this funny clip Alex sent'...maybe something as old-school as a CD...and then, just _us?"_

Sebastian could _hear _the invitation, and while Kurt's delivery was almost flawlessly confident, after six months together, Sebastian could also hear the insecurity behind it, like he was asking for permission to be attractive - and a cold trickle of guilt ran down Sebastian's back. He knew Kurt's doubts went much further back than _them_, but giving Kurt the affirmation he so dearly needed always felt a bit like a betrayal. Still, he deserved it.

Sebastian pretended to close an app on his phone to stall for time, and then smiled. "I'd like that very much," he said, and hoped Kurt could hear that he meant it. Because damn it, he _did_. He wanted to be with Kurt, and he was completely head over heels and wanted to give him anything, _everything _he wanted. And if that was a night in each other's arms, that was what he'd get.

Sebastian knew though, that there was one thing Kurt needed more than intimacy, more than anything- and that was complete honesty. It had been the sole condition on which Kurt had agreed to give them a try beyond the Warbler-reunion-hook-up they had shared, and after hearing what Blaine had put him through, Sebastian fully understood. And so they had gone for full disclosure; Kurt had told him about Blaine and the boys from his NYADA stage combat class, about Adam. Sebastian had told Kurt about Scandals, his complicated relationship with Hunter and the exec he had slept with to get an internship.

He remembered the look he had seen in Kurt's eyes when he had told him none of them had meant anything. It had not exactly been shock- not with the reputation Sebastian had carefully constructed in high school. It had been closer to pity, maybe even heartbreak. Sebastian had assured him it was different with him, _he _was different; special, worthy, beautiful. _Meaningful. _Sebastian had been able to tell it was what Kurt craved to hear and he had gladly offered it, because it was true.

Yet a part of the truth was still missing. It was lying by omission, and Sebastian hated it- hated himself for it, and every now and then his conscience nudged at him. He knew he had to tell Kurt soon, or risk breaking everything. Not just their relationship, but Kurt's last trust in men and romance. And Kurt had very little to spare of that as it was. Sebastian needed to tell him.

* * *

"Something on your mind?"

They were at breakfast. It was five days before their anniversary, and Sebastian was at the tenth scenario in his head. The truth was: he had no idea how Kurt would react. Sebastian had heard his share from his parents and his school-counsellor (who had supposed to have been on his side, damn it- or neutral at least, but who had sent him for a psych eval instead), and their opinions on the matter had been quite clear. And then, there'd been Hunter; with whom nothing was ever clear and everything was messed up - and what is he going to do if _that _happened again?

All Sebastian knew for sure was that it would only get worse the longer he hid the truth.

But what if it'd be _okay? _What if Kurt understood, maybe even accepted it? What if he _didn't _run as far as he could? What if he actually stayed?

Sebastian was so used to rejection and solitude that this particular scenario seemed the most unlikely- maybe even the most frightening.

"Bas?"

"I'm fine. Just...a little preoccupied. I'm sorry. It's work."

Kurt cocked his head, gave him a worried once-over. "Do you want to talk about it?" he offered.

Sebastian shook his head, ducking behind his mug of coffee, hating himself just a little bit more. _I can't tell him over breakfast, _he said to himself. _Kurt has a big presentation coming up and he can't use the distraction. _But there was always _something_; there was no part of Kurt's day Sebastian wished to ruin, not even when they fought- (and they did, it wasn't a lovey-dovey contest. Kurt could give as well as he got, which is what attracted Sebastian to him in the first place.) And it was that feeling: knowing that no matter when he told him, a part of Kurt's day would be just a little worse because of him, that was almost unbearable.

He was startled as Kurt took his hand and squeezed it softly.

"You can, you know," he said softly. "Even if it's not work."

"I know," Sebastian whispered, lifting their hands to place a kiss on Kurt's knuckles. "I love you."

"I know," Kurt echoed, for now seemingly satisfied. "I love you too."

* * *

Three days before their 6 months' anniversary, Sebastian bought Kurt a book he hoped his boyfriend would like, and as he slipped it in his bag, he couldn't stop the intrusive thoughts from washing over him.

_Is this the last gift I'll get to buy him? What if I ruin this author for him by association? _

Because Kurt was like that- he refused to even look at anything from H&M because of what he had worn when Blaine told him he had cheated, and since then, he hated Katy Perry with a vengeance. His dad's hospital visits put him off Lotus Biscoff caramelized cookies because he couldn't taste them and not think of cancer. _What if Neil Gaiman becomes the new Katy? _

Sebastian almost returned the book- then told himself off for making it all about himself. He was taking the book. Kurt deserved a gift for the special evening he was organising, and for everything they had meant to each other the past months. Not bringing a gift and _then _telling him would be even worse.

* * *

One day before their anniversary, Alex called to ask them if they wanted to hang out the next day. Kurt put him on speaker.

"So what do you say? You guys can pick the film. _Jurassic World? _I know you dudes like Chris Pratt...it's not my cup of tea, but the dinosaurs do make up for it-"

Kurt laughed and rolled his eyes fondly. "We appreciate the sacrifice, but we already have plans. Just the two of us." He shot Sebastian a coy look.

"Yeah sorry bro, it's just me, Kurt and Vincent tomorrow," Sebastian joked.

"Who's that, you said two!" their friend exclaimed from the speaker, and Kurt chuckled. Goading Alex never got old.

"Oh man, I wish I was gay. You guys have so much more game than I do," Alex complained.

"That's true, we do," Sebastian teased. "And usually I'd say 'the more the merrier', but I'm monogamous now and it's our six month anniversary tomorrow."

"Oh, I get it, a private party, huh. With this Vincent, whoever he is when he's at home."

"It's just a movie, Alex. Ask Steph," Kurt clarified.

"Yeah, the private party is _after_," Sebastian added, winking at Kurt. He couldn't help it- over time, it had become second nature.

"Gotcha. Well, have fun! Be safe."

Kurt disconnected the call and smiled at him. "I can't wait," he said, definitely less coy.

* * *

On their anniversary, Sebastian picked Kurt up from Vogue. He brought him six roses, as well as the book, and as Kurt rose to greet him with a drawn-out kiss, Sebastian could see the envious looks from the other desks. Kurt had told him about Chase and the rotation of models at the office, and assured Sebastian he had nothing to worry about, so he didn't. _Not yet_, his intrusive thoughts pestered.

He still wasn't sure if he should tell Kurt that day, of all days.

In the end, he didn't have a choice.

They were halfway through the film, two glasses of wine and a cheese plate in between them, when Kurt paused the film and turned around to look at him.

"Okay," he started decisively, picked up the tray and set it down on the table in front of them. "I tried waiting, but I can't anymore. Something is up with you, and I can't concentrate on anything until you tell me what it is."

His voice did not waver, and Sebastian recognised the tone. Kurt was determined, with an underlying sliver of anger. He would not be denied.

"I- I'm fine, babe," he started out of self-defence, but Kurt cut him off.

"Bullshit. You haven't even _touched _the cheese."

Sebastian briefly closed his eyes. His heart started pounding in his throat. "Okay," he whispered. "You're right."

When he opened them, he could see tears had gathered in Kurt's eyes and all he could think was_ god, it already hurts and I don't want to do this. _

"It's about us," he started, and he could see Kurt close down, shaking his head and pressing his lips into a thin line. Sebastian pushed on. "I haven't been completely honest with you-"

Kurt scoffed. "I _knew _it," he whispered, quietly scolding himself. He raised his eyes and looked straight at him. "When?"

"What do you mean?" Sebastian asked, not having anticipated this question in the many, many scenarios he had rehearsed.

"When did you first cheat on me?" Kurt demanded. "From the start?"

"What! No, never!" Sebastian let out, raising his voice. "Kurt, I never cheated on you!"

"But you want to," Kurt prompted.

"No! Fuck, Kurt, _no_. I _love _you."

Kurt shrugged. He had heard it all before.

"Kurt, I'm ace. I'm asexual," Sebastian blurted out, not at all like the way he planned it.

"Huh?" Sebastian's words were so unexpected they shocked Kurt back into the conversation.

"I don't experience sexual attraction," Sebastian explained quietly. "I _tried _to, for a long time, but over the past months I have finally found the peace I needed to come to terms with the fact that I just...don't. I've been wanting to tell you-"

"You don't...you're not gay?" Kurt asked uncertainly. "I don't understand."

"Oh, I am gay," Sebastian quickly assured him. "I have never had any romantic feelings for a girl."

"But you just said you don't feel-" Kurt interjected.

"...sexual attraction, I don't," Sebastian confirmed. "But that does not mean I don't enjoy romance, and _being _with you; talking, spending time together...I want to be with you all the time! I'm in love with you, Kurt."

"But...you don't think I'm sexually attractive?"

Kurt tried, he really tried to ask neutrally, but Sebastian heard the heartbreak in his voice and knew Kurt wasn't just asking _him_.

Sebastian sighed. "It sounds wrong when you put it like that. Kurt, you are beautiful and you work hard to keep in perfect shape. Just because I can't feel these things doesn't mean-"

Kurt shook his head. "You feel it," he said bitterly. "Just not for _me_. Why else did you go after Blaine? You tried to get him to have sex with you! Because _he's _the one everyone wants, not me."

Sebastian winced. "That's not true, Kurt," he pleaded. "Please…"

"So you _didn't _try to seduce him?" Kurt's eyes flashed angrily through a haze of tears, daring him to deny it.

"No, I did, but Kurt, I was so messed up, I thought- But it didn't- And then-" Sebastian gasped for air. Kurt's distress was pulling him under. Another moment and he would be lost. Kurt was not the only one whose past sometimes made him see double.

Kurt saw, and the anger faded from his eyes. He took Sebastian's hand. Kurt felt confused, but that did not erase the past six months.

"Okay. Slow down," he told his boyfriend. "Tell me from the start."

Sebastian took a few deep breaths and gave him a grateful look. He tried to remember the speech he had prepared for this moment.

"Ever since the kids around me started running after other boys and girls, I wondered why. I asked my parents. They told me I'd understand in time, but I didn't. So I asked my friends at school. They thought I was weird, and stopped asking me to hang out. I felt like...everyone was in on a secret and no one had told me. Like it was a conspiracy of some kind. Then we moved to Ohio, and it was like a fresh start. I was tired of being different, of waiting for this thing to dawn on me. I started hooking up with guys at Scandals, trying everything in hopes of feeling _that thing _everyone kept telling me I'd feel in time."

"But you didn't?" Kurt whispered.

Sebastian shook his head.

"Nothing. It didn't make me want to do it again, not with them_ or _with myself. But I didn't want my new friends to think I was weird so I told them all about my conquests; I bragged, exaggerated. I tried to sleep with as many players on the Lacrosse team as would have me to prove myself. It got me in trouble at school. I wasn't concentrating, I was staying out late. They made me talk to a counsellor."

He paused and avoided Kurt's eyes for the next bit. Shame coloured his cheeks.

"And then I heard about Blaine. All the Warblers kept telling me was that he was 'sex on a stick' or whatever and when I found out he was in a relationship, I figured: even better. Maybe he can teach me something my hook-ups can't. Maybe it only works for me if it's _more_."

"Like love?"

Sebastian nodded and looked back at Kurt. "It was wrong and I know that now. I wasn't thinking about anyone but myself. I am so sorry."

Kurt looked crestfallen. "But you didn't get Blaine. You got _me. _So...where does that leave us?" he asked. "We've had sex. Quite a lot of it. What does that mean? What am I to you? Another...experiment?"

"No! No, absolutely not," Sebastian said. "When we hooked up, I was still trying to be something I wasn't. Being with you, seeing how you are, how unapologetically you live your life...it made me see that maybe the way I am is okay."

Kurt looked at him, and for the first time since they got to know each other, Sebastian was wildly unsure how to interpret his look. Kurt's otherwise open and emotive expression had gone blank.

"Nothing has to change," Sebastian offered, "I mean, I'll understand if you don't want to, but we could still...be together?"

Kurt remained quiet, unreadable.

"Please say something, Kurt, you're killing me here," Sebastian pleaded.

At long last, Kurt forced a small smile. "Well, it's definitely something for my yearbook picture: _being with me will put you off sex forever! _"

As soon as the words left his mouth, he took them back. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Bas, I know that's not how you meant it, I am just...you really overwhelmed me with this."

"I know, I'm sorry too," Sebastian said. "I knew I should have told you from the start, but I didn't really know back then. I thought I was just-"

"An outlier?" Kurt suggested softly. "I know what you mean." He took a deep breath. "I didn't know there was a word for it, or that other people felt the same way."

"Yeah, exactly, but I read up a little and-" Sebastian broke off. "The same way?" he echoed.

Kurt looked away and shrugged. When he finally spoke, it was to say: "I probably fell in love a hundred times before my sixteenth birthday, but when I thought about it, it was always like in the movies. Holding hands, maybe a kiss, and then...fade to black and it's the next day."

He paused. "My dad gave me the talk after I had met Blaine. It was implied that he expected me to start _doing it _soon. Blaine clearly got the talk at home too. And then he met _you_, and...well. You made it no secret what you wanted."

Sebastian listened, hardly daring to breathe.

"It didn't take long for Blaine to turn to me after that. And it wasn't bad, per sé...but it definitely wasn't the earthshattering, mind-blowing, addictive activity everyone makes it out to be. I mean, clearly Blaine felt differently, but for me..." He shrugged.

"Yeah," Sebastian agreed. That described his experience pretty well. "So then what happened?"

Kurt sighed. "I tried talking to him about it, afterwards. He got rather upset. I guess he thought I was implying I didn't like it because _he _wasn't good at it. We nearly broke up over it." He swallowed, frowning at the memory, which clearly still hurt.

"I didn't want to lose him, so...I started faking it. I read in a magazine that healthy couples have sex at least twice a month so I kind of tried to schedule it in and made Blaine feel like he was a good lover. Maybe he even is, I wouldn't know."

Kurt took a breath and let it out slowly, stalling.

"But it wasn't enough for him. When we were apart, Blaine cheated on me. He told me he was tired of scheduling our make-out sessions and he wanted to be with someone more 'spontaneous and fun'."

Sebastian shook his head. "That guy is the biggest asshole I ever met."

"In retrospect, maybe you're right," Kurt admitted. "But he was the first gay boy I met in Ohio so I fell in love with him almost right away."

"Why did you never tell me?"

"Why didn't _you? _" Kurt volleyed back.

Sebastian bit his lip, getting Kurt's point.

"I thought I was the only one," Kurt continued. "Everywhere I go, it's implied that sex is the driving force behind everything. Evolution. Social circles. Even buying a damn razor._ How much sex can I get if I buy this brand and how sexy will I look using it? _" He shook his head. "And, a bit like you I guess, I tried to find out if it really was _me_, or Blaine after all, so I had a few other partners, but it just felt the same."

"And then there was you," he added softly.

"You were always so _frank _about it, almost callous- you _owned _your sexuality like a badge of honour." Kurt gave him an open, vulnerable look. "I admired that about you. It felt like..." He added something in a whisper, and Sebastian leaned closer.

"I'm sorry, what?" he asked quietly.

Kurt brushed a tear off his face. "Like you were a _real adult,_" he whispered, a little louder than the first time. "Maybe not a particularly responsible one, but...more mature than me, anyway."

"Is that why you wanted to date me?"

Kurt shrugged uncomfortably. "At first, maybe. But then I got to know you and realised how much we have in common, and how funny and smart you are and- Bas, I really didn't want to lose you."

"So you scheduled make-out sessions like tonight," Sebastian concluded. "So I wouldn't stray, like Blaine."

"Yes," Kurt admitted. "But I always suspected the moment would come where you'd tell me it wasn't enough. Because I'm not enough. I can only fake it."

"Kurt, please look at me," Sebastian said, and waited until his boyfriend did.

"You are so much _more _than enough. I am the luckiest man in the world for getting to spend so much time with you."

Kurt huffed out a breath, only half-convinced.

"You _are_, and if I had known this was how you felt I would have told you so much sooner," Sebastian insisted. "I wouldn't have wanted to put you through all that worry and insecurity."

"Well, we kind of put _each other _through it," Kurt replied, but he looked less distressed already. "Telling you was just too…"

"Scary?" Sebastian prompted. "Yeah, hard same, babe."

Kurt smiled a little. "So what happens now?" he asked.

"I don't know," Sebastian confessed. "I thought about a lot of possible outcomes, but this one wasn't on my list."

"You thought I would leave you, didn't you?" Kurt asked softly.

"I hoped you wouldn't, but...yes, it was an option. Like Blaine did, I guess."

"I'm not like Blaine," Kurt said darkly.

"I know! But _you _thought I would cheat! And I'm not him either."

"True. So...do we stay together?" Kurt asked carefully. "I want to."

"Me too!" Sebastian immediately replied. He offered Kurt a smile that was almost shy. "Please."

"Okay." Kurt nodded to himself. "Okay, good." He settled down visibly, relaxing his shoulders.

"What about hugs?" he asked. "Do you like hugs?"

"I like _your _hugs," Sebastian modified. "I like feeling close to you, having you near. You?"

"I like them too." Kurt hesitated. "Kisses?"

Sebastian pulled up his shoulders. "I don't mind them, but they feel the same as a hug, to me. I'd just as happily hold your hand."

"Okay," Kurt said. He visibly considered it, the tension creeping back into his posture. "But if I wanted to kiss you? In public? Would that be okay?"

Sebastian shrugged. "Sure."

"Because..." Kurt started chewing his lip. He fiddled with a seam on the couch. "I don't think I'm ready to be out with this," he finally said softly. "It feels a bit like going back into the closet, but...for now, I want people to think we're having a sexual relationship. It feels like too much of my identity as a gay men is tied to it. Can we...is that okay for you?"

As much as Sebastian wanted to agree right away, he reigned himself in and thought about it. There was a reason he told Kurt now, even at the risk of losing him. He wanted to finally accept this part of himself and stop pretending. But his own process had taken months- how could he expect Kurt to go through the same in one night?

"I understand how you feel," he said. "Maybe it's okay for now that we both know. The most important thing for me was for _you _to know. It's no one else's business, is it?"

Kurt smiled. "It isn't." He took Sebastian's hand again, lacing their fingers together. "Maybe we don't need to push the innuendo, but also not...actively correct people's assumptions?" he offered.

Sebastian nodded. It would take a while for him to unlearn his public persona anyway. Maybe they could both work on it.

"But no more sex? For now?" Kurt asked.

"Yeah. I think that would take a lot of pressure off for the both of us," Sebastian said.

"Would you tell me if you want something to change? Before-"

"I will _never _go to anyone but you if I ever wanted to, I promise," Sebastian cut him off.

"Thanks." Kurt looked at him like he still couldn't really believe it. "Could you show me the stuff you read about this?"

Sebastian nodded. "Sure. After the movie?"

Kurt agreed, pulling the tray with their wine and the cheese back onto the couch.

Sebastian reached for the cheese knife. Then, a grin crept over his face. "Hey Kurt?" he asked.

"Hmm?"

"Imagine the time we'll save not manscaping!" He winked.

Kurt screwed up his nose and playfully kicked his leg. "Ew! I am not stopping that! I do that for _me. _"

Sebastian blew him a kiss. "Sure, whatever you say."


End file.
